Definition

 

I used to enjoy answering slam book as a kid. Google says it’s a notebook passed around by kids containing questions.

Yes! That one.

Define love was one of the questions I used to answer and as a kid, I have no idea how to properly define it. So I went with this, “Love is love“. It sounded trivial coming from me but Lin Manuel-Miranda said it more with gusto, “Love is love is love is love is love“. I’m not sure how many times he repeated it but it stuck with me big time. I still feel a bit like crying every time I say it in my head.

Someone I know is having casual sex with someone she met online. She said she needed it and plans to continue doing it. I’m happy for her and at the same time worried because I know she has the “clingy” attitude  that will turn this from casual to an expectation game. Me, on the other hand is not getting any.

There is a reason I don’t want to open this blog to people I know because I have topics that I want to discuss that will raise some eyebrows. You see, I grew up in a family where love was never a topic. If love is a taboo then more so sex. We don’t talk about it at all. Anything that resembles a sex discussion merits some giggle and potentially some judgement.

I miss it. Haven’t done it for a while and I might have forgotten how to. Doing it casually crossed my mind too but I’m not like that. I did that when I was younger but not anymore in my age. I really thought moving here in New York will give me balls to be more daring (pun intended) but I guess it wasn’t really in me to begin with.

Sex is good and I had a great one back in the past. It’s more the conversation after the sex that I enjoy more and the one leading to it. Did I do well? What else can we try next time? Conversations like that and not the dressing up immediately after one of us comes.

I heard it once before that sex is the connection of the mind more than the body. I dig that. I like the body connection too but the mind connection is what I miss more right now. Self love exists and I’m pretty good at it. The mind connection though is terribly missed.

This is really what I wanted to say. I miss having conversations. The real, good, long conversations. The one that will make you think of yourself and the person you are connecting with. I’m not having any of those lately and I miss it more than the sex. I talk with family members and friends a lot but somehow I’m not aroused by it.

Yes! I used the word arouse to describe a good conversation. I want to get excited again and have my brain restarted. I envy my friend having casual sex because she sounds excited all the time now after their first encounter. Not horny but something in her came alive after the sex. She is now more determined to get in better shape and look good because of the sex. Something in her came alive and I want that too. Not the sex but the arousal of the brain cells.

Black heart.

I was thinking about the image I should use for this post and I initially chose the LOVE sign in 56th Street. It says LOVE in all capital letters, all bold and red.  The black heart represented me more now, hence the picture. It’s black not because of hatred but because I’m dead inside. I don’t feel anything. Numb.

What is love? Let me define it today with this current mood and state of mind. Love is.

I still can’t.

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Calm

May, 2009. Mahabang Buhangin, Camarines Norte, Philippines

 

I want to get away right now and be some place peaceful!

My heart is beating so fast I want to throw up. I just had an argument with my downstairs neighbor about noises, both intentional and unintentional. Words were thrown out at one another. Accusations were said and ill intentions abound.

I wasn’t raised to be like this. The funny thing is, my mother was with me the whole time. It was actually her who was arguing first then I followed. We were never like this as far as my memories could tell. We were a bunch of diplomatic people. We choose to be quiet rather than engage in arguments like these.

Barbaric is the best word to describe what happened. Maybe uneducated and crass but never the classy people we thought we were. I don’t want to be like this. And I don’t want my mother to do such thing.

The building landlord gave me an advice earlier and told me to just ignore my neighbor. Try my best not to engage in any conversation both civil and argumentative. I will take that advice. I will go back to how it was once. Peaceful and diplomatic.

I looked for pictures in my computer looking for a time in my past that will give me comfort and this picture got my attention. This was taken on my 30th birthday celebration in 2009. Life was simpler then and I say very enjoyable. The waves were aggressive back then but not destructive.

What happened today was the opposite. Both sides were aggressive and from what I feel right now, it proves to be destructive as well. This is probably the reason why we were raised not engaging on arguments like what happened earlier. Nothing comes out good from it. However, should I allow people to be just like waves and push me around or should I stand my ground and fight back regardless if I seem uneducated?

I will fight back but I will be more diplomatic next time. I will choose my words and will not raise my voice. It is more challenging to send a sharp message across without using sharp words and tone. I will take that challenge and be better.

The Beginning

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I moved to New York City almost five years ago by October this year. It was a decision I made because the opportunity presented itself. Also, I felt like I needed something new five years ago.

Living in New York City was a dream for a long time, however, I made no plans of what I’m going to do once I’m here. Up to this point of my life, I’m still nowhere close of knowing what exactly it is that I need to be doing. Should I have a career, passion, or both? I want to have both. But where to start?

I seriously thought that New York will give me a better understanding of myself but boy I was wrong. I’m no way closer to knowing myself than I was five years ago. I’m lost and nobody else seems to notice.

“Knowing is half the battle”, said the G.I. Joe cartoon during the 80s. Knowing that I’m lost is a good thing. Now I can start finding myself again and rev up the engine.

Blogging will keep me motivated and my mind working again. Since I don’t have anyone to talk to as of the moment, let this blog be my outlet for my rants (I promise not too much) and everything my mind can conceive.

Please don’t mind the blog title. This will be everything about me or how I react to everything. Gone are the days that everything is about everything but Paul.